Barely Level

keddypie @ 2008-01-26T10:07:00

2008-01-26T15:08:36Z

i think i'm going to start posting on my other journal from now on, because i like the name better.

i know, i'm so wacky and unpredictable.

I'm very anti-subject most days, because I find it difficult to think of a short phrase to appropria

2008-01-25T17:29:37Z

tly sum up what I'm thinking.

I read the first three chapters of my A+ book before the office got loud.

I'm feeling better now because my mom isn't dying. She apperently has some kidney thing going on but s'all good 'cause they caught it early. We think.

I've had sharp intestinal pains for a few days. I shouldn't complain, I felt good stomach-wise for a few months.

Think I'll dye my hair again today, put on a fluffy skirt and some stockings, and go prance around the mall. Maybe eat some overpriced tacos.

I had a lot of coffee to help with the sleepiness. I had a tv dinner too and it was really good.

I'm trying to be positive.

keddypie @ 2008-01-25T09:25:00

2008-01-25T14:26:54Z

I can't even fucking study because the office is too loud. Rules out napping to.

keddypie @ 2008-01-25T02:25:00

2008-01-25T07:26:42Z

Tomorrow is going to be one long fucking day.

keddypie @ 2008-01-24T09:46:00

2008-01-24T14:51:00Z

I got my school books (4 our of 5 at least), but forgot to bring them with me to work today :(

So, today's goal: Learn about politics! I hate politics, but very frequently when hangizzlin' with the gang, the discussion turns to such. Of course I feel left out, since I have no knowledge and basically no interest in such. (that was NOT an attempt to get you to tell me why politics are important.)

So, I'm going to read up on all the big candidates for presidency as a good start from a couple different sites. I can't do this for very long without getting bored, but I'm hoping something will spark an interest, so I atleast know WHO is being talked about.

So, if you know any good (non-biased) sites (right now I'm perusing www.vote-smart.org) feel free to give me a link. Not necessary about presidential candidates. I'm looking for ones that are enjoyable and interesting, not necessarily the ones that are the most informative. I'm trying to teach myself to be at least a little interested.

(I'll likely get sick of this in twenty minutes, but at least I'll have twenty minutes of knowledge, which will probably at least double what I already know. Basically, my knowledge right now is that there's a woman AND a black guy running, and something about conan and colbert fighting about mike huckabee.)

*edit*

This one is kinda neat. Very, very simple, but kinda neat. http://www.2decide.com/table.htm

**edit**

At first, I really wasn't fond of McCain, but I think this picture changes everything.

keddypie @ 2008-01-23T22:49:00

2008-01-24T03:57:29Z

i'm fucking freezing, it's just fucking freezing in here.

my hair is certainly above the shoulders now. bangs are kind of short, fall over my forehead. it's green and blue. maybe pictures next time i get bored or feel like dressing up. maybe not.

decided i'm going to bid on that dress. i'll bid up to $55.99. we'll see. if i lose, i'll settle on a consolation of a new pair of boots, a new bra, and some stockings, adding up to about the same price. the rest of birthday money stays in my car repair fund.

*edit* got outbit before i even got a real bid in, but at least i raised it fifteen bucks :)

keddypie @ 2008-01-22T08:31:00

2008-01-22T13:42:59Z

nestor didn't really notice that i cut my hair, which i think gives me license to cut it a little shorter. i can't cut it shorter myself because i can't see the back of my head, so i think after work, and after i get my plates renewed, i'll spend a little of that birthday money getting it cut (since i haven't spent it on anything else.)

i actually have no clue how much a hair cut costs. pretty standard deal, i'm going to ask them to take 2 inches off and add some medium layers. i'm guessing, like... 20 bucks? i don't know.

if i do that, then i'll probably dye it again for added awesome, and it's about 10 degrees warmer today, so maybe i'll dress up and go sit around starbucks or something.

i'm striving to enjoy my free time, because i'm not having as much of it. i will spend my 4 hours at work studying to make up for it.

i should get all my school books in during the next 2 or 3 days.

oh, oh... you know what i should really do. yes, i'd love a dress, so much... but i should probably spend that birthday money on some dress clothes. i don't really own -any- and since i'm looking for a job, i should probably invest in some. HM at the mall has some cheap dress pants, and i have no issue with cheap since i ruin everything. i'll hit up some thrift shops too.

it's so hard not to buy that dress... i know i talk about buying things for myself all the time, but i very rarely do. just so tempting... maybe i'll just go try it on today.

keddypie @ 2008-01-21T19:10:00

2008-01-22T00:13:29Z

cut my hair, put on some eye shadow.

i'd be happy if i had this dress. it's $64 at the dress shop in the mall. i'm thinking about spending my birthday money on it.

either that, or on lots of stripy socks.

not that i have anywhere to wear a dress to. there's always bowling.

keddypie @ 2008-01-20T21:36:00

2008-01-21T02:41:34Z

I am very sleepy.

Birthday was ok. Had a good turnout to my birthday dinner, then went and hung out with nestors. Watched a movie that I don't particularly care for, went to bed at 2:30.

Today, went to the mall with doug, left my headlights on and had to get a jump from a friend of his. I need to stop doing that.

I seem to have sharp bellychest pains, so I think I will return to sleeping.

arrrr

2008-01-18T20:37:25Z

in lighter news, birthday tomorrow. i'll be 20. that's kind of a milestone i guess, been alive for two decades.

today, if i can be awake enough, going thrift-shopping for skirts or dresses. don't expect to find anything, but i like to get a good look every once in a while just in case something interesting comes through the market. i like to dress up on my birthday.

yah.

anyone wanna go to the mall tomorrow?

keddypie @ 2008-01-17T12:21:00

2008-01-17T17:28:58Z

meh...

feel hopeless.

got estimate on car repairs... way more than expected. i can't afford it. not even close.

losing job in a month. i was blessed with a very good job for my qualifications, and it can only go downhill from here. not very uplifting.

too many classes.

don't have anything to look forward to in the immediete future. i can't actually see anything to look forward to at all.

birthday party on saturday, probably wont be in the mood. gonna try my best to be cheery though and enjoy it.

not enought time to sleep. boy works too much and is in too many classes this semester, probably wont get to see him much at all until summer. for my birthday, i wanna stay over there and sleep in until noon, then maybe get bundled up and go for a nice walk somewhere and come home and have hot cocoa and watch star trek. then go out for dinner, then come home and snuggle more. that'd be cool. instead i will wake up and go to work at 8am, which is ok because he has class anyhow. work till 4. have a 2 hours break before dinner. and hopefully get to go snuggle the boy afterwords. i'm sure he'll be willing to oblidge.

just so unoptimistic. tomorrow morning i'll go renew my plates, waste more money on that.

maybe for my birthday my mom will pitch in for car repairs. *sigh* really, birthday is on saturday. feel free to pitch in to the car repair fun as well.

keddypie @ 2008-01-15T08:04:00

2008-01-15T13:28:29Z

it's official and announced now, so i can talk about it.

my office is shutting down. we're all out of work starting mid february.

this is quite a damper on my life.

gonna give a quick overview of my classes this semester now that i've attended them all.

advanced computer diagnostics: eh. looks boring and overly easy. instructor flaunted how lucky we were to have him instead of my boyfriend as a teacher because he's so much easier than him, and he's an ass. bonus points for calling my boyfriend an ass in the first hour of class. we then learned about windows Vista, which gives you an impression of how the semester will go. this class is tuesday and thursday evenings. devon barker is in there with me.

circuit analysys 1: any class with wedding is awesome. it's pretty much the same class as the fundamentals course i took, but with a little more detail. a shit load of labs, but as long as i can drag myself to class, should be easy like pie.

java programming: only 5 people in the class, get to spend more time with wedding. i actually have classes with wedding for 6 hours straight. herrr.

tech math 1: my teacher is Goungshong Chen, and his english skills are as good as they sound. he speaks somewhat broken english, and mumbles on top of that. oh god. we also have a very fast pace in that class, and i'm horrible at math. i suppose i'll be teaching myself, and probably begging for scraps along the way.

CGI: it's a web course. i fucking hate web courses. but tom gray teaches it, and i love tom gray. it's only 3 credit hours, shouldn't be too hard. we'll see.

BIRTHDAY IS THIS SATURDAY. everyone is invited to come to the IHOP on talmadge around 7PM to help celebrate. don't have to bring gifts. i've enlisted at least 5 or 6 people to come so i know i wont be alone, but the more the merrier.

today, gonna hang out with fizze for the first time in years. we'll see how that goes. she can watch me do dishes and i might make her lunch. then, i'm off to install vista for a grade.

keddypie @ 2008-01-12T08:55:00

2008-01-12T14:06:22Z

i need a hug.

jaw hurt like fuck this morning, not sure why it waited until 4 days later to really start hurting. can't drive on pain killers, so took some when i got to work. now, i hurt less, but may very well vomit soon. merf.

maybe someone will surprise me with hot apple cider from tim hortons and give me some hugs and stuff.

*update, not that anyone cares.*

ended up calling my mom to come get me, jose covered my shift. probably should go get my car from work sometime. managed to eat a granola bar a few minutes ago, hurt myself.

not making any plans for the day. probably going to lay in bed until tomorrow morning like i did yesterday. nobody bothers to talk to me any more anyhow, not like i'd have something to do if i was feeling well.

*edit*

my mom is making me chicken, so i feel a little less hatefilled now.

keddypie @ 2008-01-10T14:29:00

2008-01-10T19:30:22Z

also, it's so difficult to eat that after a few bites of every meal, i lose interest. :(

keddypie @ 2008-01-10T13:52:00

2008-01-10T18:58:24Z

first day of classes. on a thursday, too. stupid.

better yet is that thursday is my lecture day, and tuesday is my lab day. that's just silly.

not in a great mood, nothing to do with classes though. things just feel kind of downhill. i don't have a lot of hope for the immediate future.

i haven't gone to class yet and i'm already tired of it. no motivation. i was motivated when i registered. darn. i fear it will one of those semesters that i can barely dredge through. we'll see. i'm frequently wrong.

meh.

keddypie @ 2008-01-09T23:13:00

2008-01-10T04:15:03Z

i'm not allowed to drive because of the painkillers, so nestor was nice enough to pick me up, and then take me home a few hours later so i could get some nappage and star trek in.

went to take me home and he had a flat tire.

i'm bad luck :(

wisdom tooth update.

2008-01-08T17:40:14Z

Well, I'm much less depressed now. In a chipper mood, actually. Likely because of all the drugs.

Everything went well as far as I know. Again, hard to tell - drugs. Right now, I have enough novicane that I can not feel my lower face, still recovering from anastesia (it hit me hard I guess) AND I am told I took some oxycodone, though I don't remember. I'm going to explain the whole trip in great detail.

Dr. Came in, asked if I had any questions - I did not. He gave me some laughing gas, which actually had no affect on me. Put an IV in me. He said "You're going to get sleepy now" and I said "Are you putting me under now, or just giving me drugs?" and he said "Putting you under."

I woke up several hours later in my moms bed. I don't remember ANYTHING. I mean, ANYTHING. I was apperently very fucking drugged.

Right now, I'm spitting blood, and am a little sleepy and dizzy, but otherwise can't feel a think because of all the drugs. It's still likely that I'll be in horrible pain later, but for now, all is well. I'm not allowed to be alone for, at very least, until this evening. My mom seemed uneasy about me even coming in to my bedroom. I'm not supposed to stand or walk and stuff like that because it causes bleeding.

I keep swearing in front of my mother :( I don't normally do that and I feel bad, but I can't seem to not.

Also, apperently, I ate jello. I don't remember that either.

Anyhow, back to being supervised and sipping lukewarm apple cider. Mmm.

keddypie @ 2008-01-07T21:30:00

2008-01-08T02:36:49Z

I'm feeling rather dismal in regards to life today.

*edit*

This sucks.

keddypie @ 2008-01-07T14:28:00

2008-01-07T22:34:51Z

The record temperature on this date in this city is 61 degrees, set on January 7th of 1907.

It's 67 degrees out right now.

KICK ASS.

part 2

2008-01-07T17:13:53Z

I'm going to write a brief story for part two, because I don't want to draw the scene. IT HAS NUDITY. LOL. I'll draw part 3. Very little actually happens in part two, and I don't feel like drawing the monotony either.

This is all from a stupid dream I had. I'm not really editing to make it more logical or interesting. I'm using that to justify everything.

Scene (panel1): Katy lays oh-so-happily in bed, as she often does because she enjoys sleeping so much. The room is dark, as is the outside visible through a split in the curtains. The clock on the headboard reads 1:23. There is a light in the hallway assumed coming from another room in the house. Her slightly disheveled appearance and smile could be suggesting something, but more than likely, she just tosses and turns a lot.

(panel2): A tacky text box at the top of the panel reads "A Few Hours Later." The scene is completely identical to the first, though drawn from a slightly different angle to make clear that the clock still reads 1:23. Katy has tossed and turned a bit, and is now hanging half off the bed and is clearly unconscious.

(panel3): Again, this panel presents a similar image, with another tacky text box reading "A Few More Hours Later." The clock still reads1:23. At this point, Katy can be seen stretching.

(Panel4): Katy, scantily clad, wanders towards the bathroom.

(panel5) : Katy enters the bathroom. Lights are on. Silhouette of showering figure behind shower-type curtain.

(panel6): Katy stands, tired, in a slightly different position as before, staring at the shower. Silhouette is in the same position. Katy looks puzzled, but mostly just tired and agitated. This is half way through the page, and so far, Katy has managed to go from bed, to the bathroom. Very productive as you can see.

(panel7): DRAMATIC CLOSE UP of hand as Katy moves the shower curtain away! Gasp!

(panel8): Yeah, it's just what one would expect. Katy's boyfriend is showering. She doesn't look that startled either.

(panel9:) Panel is identical, including placement of water drops. Katy has raised an eyebrow.

(panel10:) Katy has now turned around. Boyfriend has not moved. She looks intrigued. By this point, you're supposed to have figured out that nothing is moving except her.

(panel11): Katy continues looking puzzled. She states "Well..."

(panel112): "That's peculiar..."

That's it.

keddypie @ 2008-01-06T21:30:00

2008-01-07T02:32:34Z

The worst part is, that is only part one.

It looked much more detailed when I was drawing it.

keddypie @ 2008-01-06T14:37:00

2008-01-06T19:39:37Z

this post will be better recieved than my last.

so. schwanns (food service) had this absolutely delicious chicken-cheese-broccili thing. that's all it was. so I ordered it again.
.... now, there's onions in it too.

i am pissed.

*edit*

a quick note about schwanns, for those of you who are not in this region.

schwanns is a seller or gourmet frozen foods. every fortnight, the schwanns lady comes by in her giant fucking truck full of food, you tell her what you want, and she gives it to you for just a little more than a reasonable about of money. it's awesome.

oh dear, i've become predictable.

2008-01-06T18:43:36Z

heads up: i'm going to rant now. not necessarily an ill-tempered rant, but probably full of whiny teenage delusions.

we'll start with this. i was just outside. just driving from nestor's house back to my house. it is unseasonably warm out (though still cold.) and rainy. very beautiful. i stood outside and looked around for a while, and it is one of those days where things feel surreal. i got in the car, began to drive, and my car was driving very smoothly, adding to that surreal feel. one of those days where, were i to just go drive for hours in the country, life would be perfect. however, it is probably the fever speaking. still...

last night, nestor was listening to terrifying music. not like, "this fucking sucks" terrifying, but... like... nightmare inducing if you're drifting in and out of consciousness. that's ok though.

i hate mirrors. i tend to stare at them a lot. i made a decision today, a conclusion which (as best i can remember) i've not concluded before. it's not that i hate the way i look, necessarily. i don't think i'm hideous. (well, right now i am, because i haven't showered for a while. stupid sickness.) the problem, why i'm so self-loathing when it comes to physical appearance, is that i don't look how i feel like i should look. i never look like myself to me. if i stare at myself, i feel like i'm staring at someone else. it bothers me, quite badly. i know how i look in my mind, and that isn't what i look like in a mirror. i'm sure this isn't unique at all, but it does still fuck with my mind. I'll never look the way i'm supposed to in my mind. my eyes are too small and my hair is never quite right, and i'm just not shaped the right way. it's nothing i can fix. i take pictures at horrible angles, because they make my eyes look bigger. in my mind, i'm just convinced my eyes are too small. that's a stupid thing.

need to get car repairs done. get a better job. move out. find a place where i fit in. have more adventure. get my hair right. for the love of god, i need to get my hair right. i don't know what right is... god knows i cut and dye it enough. it's close to right. closer than it used to be. but still not right. it's the only thing about my physical appearance i'm capable of changing. i can't make myself taller, make my eyes bigger, get rid of the lines on the side of my mouth, reshape my hips... i can change my hair though.

things never change. this is something i've concluded for a long time. people never change. surroundings never really change. there is deviation every once in a while, but it all comes back. i always feel the same. i think i always have, long as i can remember. sometimes it deviates - i feel content, or angry, or miserable, or excited or ecstatic or any of those other thousand emotions... but it always falls back on this feeling that i don't quite belong, and that i need to run and adventure and do something different. that's... like... my base. the control in my life. my default, i think. that yearning to go do something that's never been done, not by me at least.

and once i find that place i belong, i'm sure i'll think it's not enough and feel the need to do more. seems kind of pointless.

i think, if i'm ever rich, i'll take a year off, and just drive. no map. just go for it. drive for a year. that's what i want to do. i just want to drive, no destination.

i want to drive today... but, car needs repairs i'll never afford, and my fever urges me to get to bed instead.

i should probably listen to it.

i feel the need to create, always, and have never been able to do something i find worthwhile. when i write or i draw or do anything... it never feels worth it. i've never found that medium that lets me express myself, but i have so much to express. if i ever figure out what that medium is, i think so many problems will be solved. some people spill words on paper and it is them. people read it and they feel something. i've never done that. some people spill shapes and colors instead, and when one looks at that, they can see the artist. some people make music, some people construct buildings, some people just are. i can't express myself. i don't know how. i have never made something that is 'me.'

i don't even know what me is yet. i don't think i'll ever know what me is. i am that sense of longing and desperation to be something. if i ever got that down to an art, i'd barely be longing and desperate anymore. resolution would just ruin it.

maybe that's the problem. i feed off failure. if i succeed, i've destroyed what i am.

^ that was just bullshit. i should avoid saying things liken that. i'm afraid i've become... cliche. fuck. that is the last thing i want to be.

... i am reminded of a scene from one of the older episodes of digimon, but i've decided not to elaborate. that's just a new low for me.

i think i will draw now. i'm sure that i will not be able to come up with anything worth while. it will not see light.

... how is it that gatomon was able to, like, kick all of the digimon's ass's in earlier episodes, but then once she becomes 'one of the gang' she is no longer as strong as all the other ones? that was fucking bullshit. but she's just so adorable :( they always pull that shit in video games, too. it took me fucking days to beat amarant in ffix, but then once he was in my team i realized he was worthless. fuck that. that's why i'm diggin' the pokemon - they have set stats. i know if a pokemon takes me 20 minutes to beat, then once i catch it, it'll still be that kickass.

k. fever is getting to me. mrow.

keddypie @ 2008-01-06T11:47:00

2008-01-06T16:48:34Z

I just tried to cough and I failed. I started to take the pre-cough deep breath and just kind of sputtered and recoiled in pain.

I eat fairly healthy, don't do anything too reckless. why am I always so ill? :(

keddypie @ 2008-01-05T17:18:00

2008-01-05T22:20:24Z

I've been sick for a few days now.

Right now, my throat is about swollen shut. It hurts so fucking bad... My nose is doing that human faucet thing, and I think I have a fever now.

I really hope this is the worse... I've already missed 3 days of work. One of the sad parts of having a job that depends solely on one function of your body (such as talking) is that if you lose that one thing, you're screwed.

Also, 2 week reminder. Birthday.